Writing As a Path to Freedom from Anxiety

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” - Carl Rogers

To reduce the worries of the now…we must recognize that the uncertainties and concerns of the second half will happen. It is no longer, What if my spouse dies before me? Instead, unless you die together, one of you will outlive the other. So, if we know that the worries that we fear will happen, we need to find peace with our mortality, the inevitable course of events that we now face. We need to find ways to live comfortably and joyfully with the anxieties that life over fifty can bring.

Secondly, if we continue to have first half of life worries and insecurities, we may need to ask ourselves what our anxiety is trying to tell us. Maybe it is a nudge to explore what might be going on within us on a deeper level that keeps those worries and fears close by; maybe there are past resentments or traumas that have not yet been resolved.

Looking back I realize my passion for helping others with their anxieties, worries and fears began with my own anxieties, worries and fears as a child. I was a shy third daughter from an Italian-American family whose parents had expected a son on their third try but got me instead. A son means you can carry on the father’s name for a future legacy. A daughter is unable to do that, so my position in the family as the third daughter was fluff, redundant, as in “been there, done that.” I felt unnecessary and without purpose to my family. On top of that, I had asthma as a child, which made it hard to breathe, which made me anxious, and only made my breathing worse. The physical terror of having difficulty taking a breath increased my belief that I couldn’t handle life. Despite the genetic component of asthma and my grandfather dying from its complications, it was largely considered psychosomatic, or a physical condition caused by mental and emotional stress. My anxieties and thoughts of low self-worth were my constant shadows.

By the time I became a full-fledged social worker in 1991, well into my thirties, anxiety had become an ever-present part of my life; that unwanted roommate had morphed into a familiar companion. I fought the urge to let it become a best friend by seeking help for myself as I learned ways to help my clients.

I was offered a position to facilitate group counseling to adults who were over fifty-five, admitted to a local hospital for depression, anxiety, and life transition issues. I was in my forties at the time. I had never intended to work with the older adult population; after all they were older adults, older than me and old. I may have had worries, fears and trepidations, yet I was still too young to give the second half of life much thought. But when the opportunity arose and there wasn’t a position available for me in the adult wing of the hospital, it sounded like an interesting short-term job.

One morning, before I facilitated a depression and anxiety management group, a seventy-two-year-old woman remarked about my brown and black geometric patterned dress. My recollection of that dress was that the cut, neckline and belted waist were flattering. Yet, Dorothy had a different view.

“That dress makes you look fifty. It is not becoming to your youthful ways,” Dorothy said. She was one of the more vocal members of the group who felt fine voicing her opinion in a direct way. I remember being taken aback at first, even a bit hurt, and took it personally. Of course, it was personal—but her brashness was appealing. She had a boldness that younger adults do not necessarily have. Her openness, honesty, and assertive style drew me in. She and other members of the group seemed to exude wisdom despite their difficulty managing some of the changes in their lives. I felt compelled to learn more about that age group. That day cemented my desire to continue to work with older adults so we could learn from each other how to manage any future paths we were to travel.

I never wore that dress again. I didn’t want to look like that dowdy old lady Dorothy said I was. Instead of an honest self-evaluation of how I thought I looked and how much I liked that dress, I gave in to my anxiety over how someone else thought I looked and stopped wearing one of my favorite dresses. Yes, anxiety sucks!

Now into my sixties, my private psychotherapy practice consists mainly of clients over fifty with second half of life issues. In this final phase of life, there are common issues for any of us who have now made it to this place of being. “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” - Carl Rogers

Carl Rogers was a humanist psychologist who believed that for humans to grow, an environment of genuineness, acceptance and empathy is needed. Carl Jung, the Swiss psychiatrist who founded analytical psychology, had different ideas about the psyche. Jung said, “Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering.” One definition of neuroses is a set of functional mental disorders that cause distress but do not manifest delusions or hallucinations, and whereby behaviors are not outside socially acceptable norms.

While my approach is a humanistic one, it is also one that allows the suffering to access healing. So, while those “neurotic” behaviors may not be outside of socially acceptable patterns, our internal anxiety meter can feel as if we could blow a worry gasket at any moment. That gasket that shows up in our peripheral vision is something that we may see that no one else can. Anxiety can make us believe we are having delusional thoughts.

In 2005, Dixie, the last in a long line of our golden retrievers, died. My husband forced a Chihuahua mix puppy on me as a replacement. We named her Nada, the perfect description for the little bit of nothing she was. While this little nothing of a dog took to my husband, she and I were anxious and afraid of each other. I wondered if I was transferring my anxieties to her. She would growl and snip at me if I came near as she sat on my husband’s lap. I decided either she had to go, or I had to get over my anxiety.

The solution was found in a dog trainer. Actually, she was more like a dog whisperer who taught Nada and me how to get along. Marilyn trained people and taught dogs tricks. Her training of us included putting Nada in the submissive pose to relieve her of any anxiety or fears. Once I allowed myself to feel the fear of seeing my dog on the ground growling with me hovering over her, my anxieties were dispelled along with Nada’s. It was because of that training that Nada and I experienced a joyous and transformative moment. That in-the-moment experience was so significant to me that I felt compelled to write about it. My transformation came from the insight I gained when writing about my lifelong insecurities and anxieties.

The revelation was the immense gratitude I began to have for all those moments. When I explored my past struggles and found my own truths, my perspective of my past shifted. I no longer felt a need to see my life through rose-colored glasses or to deny any hurts that I experienced. No longer did I have to think about any past hurts as suffering. My life made sense to me, and I was blessed to be a part of the whole story.

My writing journey was so therapeutic that I want to help you experience your joys, gratitude, peace, and healing from anxieties through the exploration of your truths. This self-exploration will bring you to a place of acceptance, well-being, and joy by overcoming many of your past and future anxieties. I want to help you find your voice along with ways to a more joyful you, even with the anxieties of our time.

Begin to explore the following questions through journaling.

1 – What is my biggest stressor? Identify what is causing you the most stress in your life right now in your life.

2 - Is there any action you can take to change it?

3 - If not, how can you adapt to this stressor? What can you do to manage the anxiety that you feel from it?

4 - Can you adopt a new perspective on this stress? If so, great! You are seeing your stress with fresh eyes and a new outlook. If not, what makes it hard to do?